


when you cry you waste your time (over boys you never liked)

by unprecedence



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Coming Out, Eventual Romance, Gen, M/M, Non-Idol AU, Non-Linear Narrative, Partying, Pining, Relationships to be added - Freeform, Romance, Slightly vague side character descriptions :c, Slow Burn, characters to be added!, currently unedited, friendships, tags still to be added!, title may change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 20:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17905169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unprecedence/pseuds/unprecedence
Summary: Maybe Donghyuck can let this slide; Mark going to him inebriated when he has mentioned explicitly that he doesn’t want anyone drunk inside his dorm room. But between their strict list of dos and don’ts, Mark was obviously more important. Not that Donghyuck would ever say that out loud.(or alternatively, Mark enters some kind of emotional crisis due to his parents and his feelings for Donghyuck. Mark then enters a journey of self-discovery and self-worth.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yay! here is another attempt to write angst and this time it's multi-chaptered! I'll try my best to update every week. I want to explore more plots for markhyuck and this is the result. I hope you will be with me until the end of this work. Thank you <3

If someone were to look upon Mark Lee’s figure, give him a once over, considering the way he dresses and carries himself, he appears to be a normal university student ─ save for the well-known fact that he had stunning grades. Ask his friends what they think of Mark Lee and they will say he’s quiet at first but becomes noisy when he learns to get into the mood and become more comfortable. If they ask his bestfriend, Donghyuck, what he thinks of Mark Lee, the boy would make sure Mark was nowhere to be seen and he will lean into you and say, “He is the bestest friend I will ever have”. The boy will then take a step back and flash his twenty-four carat smile and will be off in his own way.

 

Unbeknownst to many, a small voice in Donghyuck’s head would say “Mark is the most precious thing I have ever encountered in the entirety of my twenty-one years of life”. But due to present circumstances, he could not just say that freely. He wasn’t blind to the tension in his bestfriend’s family. He knew they wanted to keep Mark in their grasp, to make him a tool for their projects, never even making a phone call to ask their own son how he was feeling ─ only to ask if he was maintaining his grades and if he was making friends with the sons of rich businessmen in their university for  _ valuable connections _ .

 

Whenever the smaller boy asks Mark if he was fine with what his parents were doing, he would just smile and say he had no reason to go against them because they have provided him with all the necessities he needed to live. Donghyuck’s nose would crinkle in anger but Mark pleads silently for him to drop the topic. And so he does.

 

Mark had always been in a rocky relationship with his parents. Donghyuck couldn’t remember a time during Mark’s stay in the university that they hadn’t done something to make him do a beeline for Donghyuck dorm after their meeting; mood sour, eyes glistening with tears. The younger boy could only do so much since Mark had a hard time vocalizing troubles to his very own friends. Donghyuck can only respect his friend’s solitude, letting him open up at his own pace.

 

He wasn’t a recluse, even his friends know that. But every time he comes back from meeting his parents, his friends notice the red in the corners of his eyes becoming more frequent and he just throws his body on Donghyuck’s bed; sometimes he doesn’t even make an effort to go get dinner outside. Donghyuck being worried, always brings food for Mark. The older boy never forgets to write a note or bring him dinner on other days as thanks afterwards. Donghyuck is fine with the routine─ he brings food for Mark and Mark buys him food. What Donghyuck doesn’t want becoming a routine is Mark being blatantly unwell with his teary eyes and his parents crushing his will to live. It may not seem obvious but Donghyuck can see right through his bestfriend. Right now, he could only silently suffer.

 

* * *

 

 

Mark couldn’t do anything but let himself be cradled in Donghyuck’s arms. He came in a while ago, tears flowing down his face despite being devoid of emotion. It’s only when Donghyuck asks him “What’s wrong?” that his sculpted face cracks and his tears fall uncontrollably. From there, he lets the poor boy cry as he strokes Mark’s newly dyed, black hair.  _ All for his parents _ , he notes as Mark had light brown hair just the other day.

 

Today had been the worst he had seen Mark break down. He would usually come teary-eyed. But after a small nap in Donghyuck’s bed, he would be alright to the eyes and would even make Donghyuck agree to having their other friends─ Jeno, Jisung, and Chenle ─come over. Donghyuck would agree. He didn’t see having people in his dorm a bother. After all, he also has stellar grades like Mark Lee. But unlike the older boy, his parents weren’t overbearing. He thanks a deity out there every night for placing him in a loving family, for placing him in an environment that doesn’t see his preference as hindrance. In that way, he can teach others how to love themselves like how his parents had loved and nurtured him.

 

Maybe that was the reason why he was so drawn to the quiet and shy Mark Lee. It wasn’t pity that he felt. He just wanted Mark to grow and feel that he will always be enough; that his grades and achievements aren’t his personality, that he is simply enough as a person.

 

He had never failed to remind Mark that it is okay to vocalize his troubles and say that he needed help or he needed his friends. But Mark just cannot shake off the feeling that he is being a burden to them and would outright reject any form of care his friends would surprise him with. And so, his friends learned to tame Mark Lee─ to assure him that he deserves care and that he isn’t a bother. They started with little steps, making Mark realize that them caring for him is normal and he shouldn’t shut them out. Mark had progress, but they still had a long way to go. He started being vocal about his emotions little by little. But they noticed he never talks about his relationship with his family. They don’t bat an eye. His friends will let him be in his own pace.

 

Maybe Donghyuck can let this slide; Mark going to him inebriated when he has mentioned explicitly that he doesn’t want anyone drunk inside his dorm room. But between their strict list of dos and don’ts, Mark was obviously more important. Not that Donghyuck would ever say that out loud.

 

When Donghyuck woke up the next morning, Mark was nowhere to be seen. His room feels oddly cold despite the sunlight already filtering through his window and a blanket now draped over his body. A cup of coffee along with haphazardly cooked eggs were set on the small table in front of him accompanied by a note in which Mark scrawled a small “I’m sorry”. Donghyuck was sure his heart broke into pieces. What he was not sure of is the exact reason why.

 

When Mark can finally visualize a certain building he knew all too well, he had a sinking feeling in his gut. It has been months since he had discovered the reason why certain emotions kept swimming in his head. Those that cannot be uttered out loud; words that can lead his life to crumble from its perfectly mapped out course.

 

In his first year of university, Mark thought the pressure from his parents was still manageable. It involved certain words and conditions that encompassed having straight-As and being the good trophy child. Not that his parents would say that out loud. His father would say the control and pressure was to make Mark ready for the family business. If Mark had a say, he wholeheartedly believes that everything they subject him to was only for his parents’ show, to show off his achievements during business meetings but never himself as a living, breathing son.

 

It was tiring having to keep your thoughts to yourself. He can’t bear to burden his friends with the overbearing academic pressure along with his supposed duties as a son being primed for the family business. All he wanted was heaps of relief. That apparent relief came in the form of his…

 

_ No, this is wrong _ . Mark scratches his head in an attempt to drive away those thoughts.

 

He shouldn’t be greedy because Donghyuck had always been there for him. Not to mention his parents had already expressed their disappointment when he had hinted that he might be,  _ well _ , not straight. His father had gone on a homophobic tirade and even though his blood had boiled and there was a miniscule voice in his head saying “ _ NO, YOU’RE WRONG _ ” he could only swallow his words and be the good boy his parents raised him to be. That topic will never be brought up again; he would be foolish to do so. Well, another reason he thinks he shouldn’t be greedy is because his friends care so much for him and he couldn’t do anything but to stutter and bumble and be as emotionally constipated as he could be. Thankfully, his friends are there to help him in every step of the way.

 

The spectacled boy had a hard time closing the door to his bestfriend’s home a while ago because of certain factors. Of course it wouldn’t be because of the way Mark had already woken up and they had changed position ─ now Donghyuck was the one all snuggled up on Mark’s chest, his head perfectly slotted on the junction between Mark’s shoulder and his neck, breaths coming out in little puffs that make the older boy shiver. Good heavens it was certainly not that.

 

_ It wasn’t also how the golden sun rays made their way into Donghyuck’s window and decided to kiss the sleeping boy’s face. _

Mark feels his chest tighten.

 

In that moment, he carefully peeled himself away from Donghyuck and made his way towards the small kitchen. He wasn’t a great cook but that gets overshadowed by his feelings of guilt ─ that he had barged into Donghyuck once again, imposed himself and his feelings onto the younger boy. With that, Mark gets the coffee machine going and he cracks an egg into the pan, forgetting to put the oil due to his wandering thoughts.

 

What Mark believes is that there should be boundaries that should not be crossed. For one, should bestfriends be cuddling next to one another? Should their touches linger a little more than usual? Should his heart somersault every time Donghyuck brings his face a little closer, only to steal his glasses? For all the reasons presented, he should be annoyed. So why isn’t he?

 

His first plan was to disappear after setting the eggs and coffee on the small table in front of the sleeping boy. But then he hears the smaller boy breathe out his name as if calling for him. So Mark rips a stray sheet of sticky note from the table and scrawls his apology. Keeping the thought of how Donghyuck’s forehead would feel against his lips to himself, and himself only until the day he dies.

 

Mark scans the room for a blanket and drapes that on the sleeping boy’s form.

 

After that he silently, finally walked out of Donghyuck’s warm dorm room and out to the harsh morning cold, his empty apartment waiting for his arrival.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't know if I did a good job here but nonetheless, thank you for being here uwu. n e ways,,, sorry if Mark seems slightly like an ass :c

It had been days after Mark left Donghyuck’s apartment. Since then, his phone had been swamped with worried texts from his friends. Jisung, _bless that little boy_ , had even texted him saying he was worried. Jeno came through with the usual “If you need someone to talk to I’m always here” message. Mark had already texted them that they shouldn’t worry as he was just sorting personal things out. He will always remain extremely grateful for his friends checking up on him.

  


But still, Mark was feeling the slight unease due to his lack of communication with Donghyuck due to the recent happening. _Is he mad at me_? Mark thought. No, no. He shakes his head. He needs to have some time to think. Mark hovers his thumb over a certain contact icon.

  


Just when he thought he was ready to call a certain boy, his phone rang. Out of sheer panic, he immediately answered, thinking Donghyuck had called him first.

  


“H-hello?” Mark stuttered, phone almost dropping from his hands.

 

“Yo, what’s up man!” Yukhei’s voice boomed from the speakers.

 

“Oh, hello there, Yukhei.” Mark prayed that his voice didn’t seem disappointed. He can feel a certain heaviness settling on his shoulders.

 

“Dude, you have to go to this party with me. You know that girl, Yerim Kim? She invited us! You better come. I’ll fetch you tomorrow outside your apartment.”

 

“Okay gotta rush. You’ll go with me okay? Bye!” The Chinese boy didn’t even leave a second for Mark to answer before hanging up. The younger boy will just give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was rushing his schoolworks again?

  


Mark groaned. Why did he even befriend this guy? Sure, Yukhei looked a little lonely and scared during the first day of their classes and Mark struck a conversation with him so the taller boy wouldn’t feel left out. But after opening up, Mark had discovered the Chinese exchange student was far from being meek. That guy was a party animal. He soon found his place into Mark and Donghyuck’s friendship circle. Yukhei, despite being a walking boom box, was very respectful and kind whenever he is with Mark’s friends. He had called the younger ones his “babies” and vowed to protect them.

  


It’s not that Yukhei annoyed Mark to the bone⎻ well sometimes he does, but the smaller boy really does cherish Yukhei⎻ it’s just that Mark really needs to go over his readings and Yukhei whining about going to parties wasn’t really helping him concentrate.

  


He loved Yukhei very dearly. But contrary to the fact that people from their year level had told them they look good together, he really can’t see him other than being a brother and a friend. He exhales deeply, this is going to be a long day of errands and paperwork.

  


Mark decides to let Yukhei know that the boy is going to fetch him at Donghyuck’s dorm instead. Maybe a video call won’t hurt. And so, Mark types Yukhei’s contact and calls.

  
  


“Really dude? That’s great! I haven’t talked to Donghyuck that much recently though…” Yukhei trails off.

 

“You dumb boy, you’re just going to fetch me there,” Mark says pointedly.

 

“Ohh,” Yukhei waggles his eyebrows obscenely. “Yeah, right. Have fun getting dolled up.”

 

“Yukhei,” Mark tries to keep his eyes from rolling, “stop it.”

 

“You know, Mark, you can hide from the rest of the world but you can’t hide from me. It’s better if you let it out soon.” With ominous finality, Yukhei says his goodbyes and waves at Mark. He even managed to blow a kiss at which Mark jokingly gags.

  


The thing is despite Yukhei being really loud, _like really loud_ , Mark knows that the boy is very very insightful. Yukhei may be playful but he still gets good grades, is not an asshole, and is very considerate of his friends and even other people. Mark wished people got to see past his friend’s dumb jokes and saw the gem he was.

 

Mark takes a deep breath. Well, it’s time to talk to Donghyuck.

 

* * *

  


“I’m sorry… what?” Donghyuck was astounded. The gravity of the situation was yet to settle on his shoulders. A mere pair project had developed into a confession.

 

“Hyuck, you know I love you.” The voice trailed off. The scary part of this was Donghyuck knew the person in front of him wasn’t joking in any way. The confession falls heavy, leaving an imprint, almost palpable.

  


“I…” Donghyuck starts. He wanted to say an excuse. “ _I’m focusing on my studies_ ”. “ _Maybe in another time._ ” But he knew very well those weren’t the reason. What he truly wanted to say is that maybe his heart was waiting for someone else. _But how long?_ A voice inside asks and he tries to swallow his words in haste.

  


The other boy looks at him expectantly, like he has something that only Donghyuck can give and he was just waiting for an answer, his eyes alight with hope.

  


“Give me a few days to think about it,” Donghyuck finally says.

“It’s okay, Hyuck. You know you can just tell me sometime soon. After we finish our project?” The boy rubs gentle circles on Donghyuck’s hand.

 

“Thank you so much. Yes, after our project.” Donghyuck smiles back at him warmly, sincerely. The atmosphere in the room changing from dense to very lighthearted.

 

“I’ll be waiting for your answer okay? Don’t feel rushed or anything,” the boy  offers a million dollar smile and assures Donghyuck that he is willing to wait for his decision. 

An alarm bursts and the smile gets jolted out of the boy's angelic face. He and Donghyuck proceeded to laugh.

 

"Hyuck I'm sorry but I have to get going now," he pouts. "They need me at the puppy shelter."

"Okay, okay. Be safe, alright?"

"I will," the boy says in finality. 

 

The boy stands up and bids his goodbyes after giving Donghyuck a tight hug. He then delivers one last pout towards Donghyuck's direction and waves him goodbye.

 

* * *

 

Donghyuck was a little bit taken aback. He wasn’t quite sure that his classmate’s actions were courtship. But then again, the other boy was a genuinely nice person. He remembers how the boy would chat with him whenever he feels alone in that certain subject and Donghyuck had to stop him so they wouldn’t get called out by their lecturer. The boy would also listen to his troubles genuinely. Donghyuck feels truly happy whenever the boy talks to him or spends time with him. Well… not as happy as…

  


_Stop_. Donghyuck tells himself. He was getting tired of this conversation with himself. He always feels at war with his mind. He didn’t want to get his hopes up. The day Mark came into his dorm, he had almost let his feelings out. He has to control himself. Mark didn’t really strike him as a non-straight person and he has never explicitly stated that he liked guys.

  


Sometime soon, Donghyuck has to stop himself from having delusions of grandeurー Mark wasn’t going to magically wake up in love with him. As much as Donghyuck’s heart was crushed from that thought, he knew he had to get over himself soon. He deserves a romantic partner that is, most importantly, in love with him. He knew he can’t have Mark. With all the shitstorm happening in his bestfriend’s life, Donghyuck knew better than to pry his tiny hands into Mark’s heart and consider himself a new tenant. There are things he can help Mark better by being a friend. _Just being a friend,_ he repeats the thought.

  


To say that he doesn’t feel pain towards the whole situation was an understatement. He has been pining for Mark since when? Since he first met him in the library studying for finals. Mark was a sophomore and Donghyuck was an overachieving freshman. His competitive mind concocted the idea of this pseudo-battle of the brains which included burning holes on the back of Mark’s head. He hated being bested at something and his silly mind decided that he’s going to outdo this unfamiliar boy by staying later than him to study at the school library.

  


Needless to say, Donghyuck lost. Mark had always stayed later than him. One time he purposely walked by the unsuspecting boy’s desk and he felt a cold rush through his body after he found out the boy was older than him.Therefore making his little competition fruitless and unnecessary because his rival wasn’t even in the same year level as him.

  
  


The day after that was one of the moments in his life he found himself flabbergasted and just feeling plain dumb. Exam week was still ongoing and people were going over their revisions which meant Donghyuck’s competitor is still at the library, occupying the same desk in front of him every time. What he didn’t expect though was said boy standing in front of his desk, looking down, his hand over his neck looking quite unsure of what to say.

  


Donghyuck gulps before speaking. “Yes?”

 

“Uhm…” the boy starts, “did I ever do something bad to you?”

 

“W-whaー?” Donghyuck is absolutely horrified. There goes being discreet.

 

“You seem… uhm… angry with me and I couldn’t really concentrate knowing you were burning holes through me…”

 

“Oh God, no! I was just concentrating and memorizing my stuff.” Well, that was a lie straight from his mouth.

 

From then on, Donghyuck had migrated to the desk beside Mark’s and their friendship grew. Donghyuck had reveled in the fact that Mark went from having Donghyuck as his only friend to having a friendship circle he knew he can trust.

 

A phone call had pulled Donghyuck from his reminiscing. He grabs his phone on the other side of the sofa and looks at the callerー Mark Lee <3.

 

He then takes a deep breath before answering.

 

“Hello?”

* * *

 

“ _Hello_?” The other line comes to life. Mark has to wipe his clammy hands on his shorts.

 

“Hey Hyuckie,” Mark starts, “can I ask for your help?”

 

“Sure thing! What does my man need me for?”

 

The older boy tries so hard not to let his emotions jump just from that simple sentence. _My man_. He shakily exhales.

 

“Can you do my makeup again? I’m going to a party with Yukhei.”

 

Mark hears a chuckle at the other side of the line. “You think I’d do it that easily?” Donghyuck teases, smile already evident in his voice. Mark knew that Donghyuck just wanted him to act all cute before he agrees.

 

“Ugh fine,” his nose crinkles in disgust. “Pretty please? I asked you because you’re my friend with godly makeup skills.” That seemed to tickle Donghyuck’s ego because he sputters at the other side and immediately agrees.

 

“Be here in thirty minutes and bring your best clothes. I’ll help you pick your outfit.”

 

“Will do,” Mark singsongs. He feels a little bit excited already. “See you, Hyuckie!”

 

Donghyuck answers with and obnoxious “ _MWAH_ ” and “ _buhbye_ ”.

 

“Thank you so much,” Mark manages to squeeze those words in before waving Donghyuck goodbye.

 

After the phone call, Mark stands up from his bed and goes to his closet. Donghyuck is a boy that’s hard to please to he better pick the clothes that Mark thinks his bestfriend can do something with. This is going to take a while.

 

* * *

 

Mark makes it to Donghyuck’s apartment in record time. He starts to fix his hair before knocking when the door suddenly bursts open.

 

“Figured you were already here,” The younger one notes. “You’re not exactly quiet when you walk. Right, Mark?”

 

Mark just smiles at the younger boy and lets himself be guided into Donghyuck’s room.

 

As he was taking out his palettes, his brushes, and various makeup paraphernalia that Mark can’t name, Donghyuck attempted small talk.

 

“Why didn’t you text me, Mark?” he asks as he struggled to look for a certain beauty blender he uses for other people, inspecting the room like a madman.

 

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t know what to tell you after what I did…” Mark trails off, suddenly deciding that small coffee stains on his friend’s sofa is very interesting.

 

“Ah found it,” Donghyuck holds the item for Mark to see. As he makes his way towards the older boy he notices that Mark had his head downcast again.

 

“You know, Mark…” he starts, “there’s no need to feel guilty okay? You know well that our friends and I are going to give you all the space you need. You can not text me immediately but still, send me a message okay? Just so I know you’re safe.”

 

Mark gulps. He really felt bad for not immediately texting him. “I… I thought you were going to be mad at me. I was scared.”

 

And there it was. It always boiled down to the things Mark had been afraid to do because of his parents. He always thought that if he hadn’t done the thing expected of him, he was going to be heavily reprimanded.

 

Donghyuck starts to brush the stray hairs away from Mark’s face.

 

“Mark, I am your friend okay? Dare I say… bestest friend?”

 

Mark snorts. “But you _are_ my bestest friend.”

 

After Mark’s declaration, the other boy’s face clearly slipped into genuine happiness.

 

“Anyway, now that’s settled, I want you to always remember I will never be mad at you for being human. Chin up for me a little.”

 

And Mark does.

* * *

  


When Mark said that Donghyuck had godly makeup skills, he wasn’t lying. In an instant, the bags under his eyes are concealed, his black hair styled, mute eyeshadow decorated his eyelids, and he looked like he stepped out of a fashion magazine.

 

Donghyuck tells him to turn around and he does an exaggerated version of a chef’s kiss while saying “ah! My masterpiece!”. Mark lets out a guwaff then sits beside him,trying to slow his heart beating from happiness..

 

“When are you going to Yerim’s party?” the younger boy asks.

 

“Well, Yukhei is going to fetch me here in twenty minutes. Guess we still have time to spare.”

 

Mark looks at Donghyuck’s twiddling fingers. His hands have swatches of various shades of eyeshadows from when he can’t decide what to put on Mark. The boy was obviously nervous and based from years of being friends, Mark knew Donghyuck did this if he has something he wants to let out.

 

“You know, Hyuck…” Mark starts, “if there’s something you want to tell me, just say it okay?”

 

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and looks at Mark’s eyes sincerely. A hint of blush settles high on his ears and cheeks. He looked just as innocent as he was when he first met the boy.

 

“Okay,” Donghyuck starts slowly, meticulously picking his words. “I’ve been thinking about this for some time.” Donghyuck takes a deep breath, his cheeks puffing out in a cute way.

  


And for a moment, Mark’s head feels light. He was nervous… and excited. In that moment, Mark thought, he realized he couldn’t be more in loー

  


“Someone just confessed to me and I’m planning to say yes.”

  
  


Mark’s limbs felt like lead, his train of thought suddenly diving into white noise. Whatever dream this is, he wants to wake up now. He can’t be too selfish. He can’t be. And in that mere act of “ _not being selfish_ ” he is going to watch Donghyuck be in someone else’s arms.

  


_Yes. yes. Yes. yes_. That one word was swimming inside his head and he prays for the color to not drain from his face. But Mark forces the growing ball of envy and flashes Donghyuck the brightest smile he can manage.

  


“W-wow! I’m so happy for you, Hyuckie! Make sure he treats you right okay? You know how Jeno and I feel about people being mean to you.” _Breathe_ , Mark thinks.

 

“Thank you for being so supportive, Mark.” Donghyuck hugs him tight and then looks at him. “I assure you he will treat me right. He isn’t some douchebag. He’s my classmate from a subject I’m taking,” Donghyuck supplies.

 

 _Ah… that classmate._ Mark thinks. Just when he was about to open his mouth, Yukhei barges in.

 

“You guys! You didn’t lock the door! You both know that’s not safe. What if there was a murderer,” Yukhei pouts.

 

“Well hello to you too, Yukhei.” The smaller boy giggles but Mark can’t seem to find the energy to join in so he settles for a smile.

 

“I hate to pull Mark away, but we need to go to the party.” Yukhei looks at Donghyuck with his puppy dog eyes and the younger boy can’t help but coo.

 

“Aww it’s okay Yukhei. Make sure you and Mark have a great time okay?”

 

“Of course we will. Thank you Donghyuck, yeah? Thanks for making me look human tonight,” Mark jokes.

 

“Anything for my bestest friend,” the younger boy smiles.

 

 _Bestest friend_ . Mark didn’t think there would be a time he would regret being the _bestest friend_ only.

 

Mark hugs him the last time before heading out and he waves goodbye, Hyuck flashing his sweetest smile and Mark tries not to ache.

* * *

 

“What the fuck happened there, dude?” Yukhei whispers. Tonight he was driving.

 

Mark just stared from the passenger seat, eyes having a little hard time focusing on the dancing lights from streetlamps they pass by.

 

“You were right all along…” he trails off.

 

Yukhei immediately realizes. The tension he had stumbled upon Donghyuck’s dorm and the fact that he may not have heard tidbits of the conversation that took place between the two.

 

With that, Yukhei sets his eyes on the road, grips the steering wheel a little tighter, and lets Mark settle into his reverie. Sometimes the words to console a broken man is nothing at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm what goes on

The bass thrums in time with Mark Lee’s beating heart. He’s a lot more calmer and considerably less sad than before. That long drive to Yeri’s house was badly needed. He really didn’t want to show up at the party sniffling badly  with his makeup all destroyed.

  


Images of Yukhei giving him the pep talk earlier flashed in his mind.

  


_“Get a grip okay? I am always here for you. Remember that, Mark. Okay?”_

_Mark feels Yukhei’s grip on his shoulder growing tighter by the minute. He gulps audibly and inhales sharply. He cracks out the best smile he can manage before saying, “I’m okay. Don’t worry about me so much, dude.”_

 

_Yukhei, instead, gives him a berating look. The only thing missing from Yukhei’s gaze and stance is him actually saying, “don’t play dumb with me”. Seeing as Mark wouldn’t budge with his decisions, he lets out an exasperated sigh._

 

_“Just… tell me if you want to go home already okay?” Yukhei gives Mark a stern look._

 

_Mark just laughs and refuses to meet his eyes. “I’ve never seen you this worried, Yukhei.”_

 

_“Oh god, I am just worried okay?” the older boy tries his hardest not to give Mark the eyeroll of the century. “You may be exceptionally smart but you’re still a dumbass in my eyes,” Yukhei huffs._

  
  


Mark fights back the urge to chuckle. Yukhei was right. He is a raging dumbass. But, a self-aware dumbass because he knows that whatever he’s about to do tonight is not really a healthy way of coping with his recent life events. _Just this once_ , he thinks. Just this once, maybe he’s going to drown himself in alcohol for a few house of ease. Maybe he can be reckless for tonight; that also works. He just wants to _feel_ alive.

  
  


Right now he was situated at the living room sofa and on his right are twenty-something adults sucking each other’s faces off.

  
  


A small drop of condensation trickles on his wrist from the ice cold whatever he was drinking. He transfers the cup to his other hand and wipes his wet hand on his jeans meticulously.

  


“Hey, can I sit with you?”

  


Mark immediately looks up and sees a cute girl with orangey-red hair. He immediately scoots to the side and says, “Sure”.

  


The girl then sits next to Mark… a little too closely. Not that Mark would mind. They engage in idle chatter about schoolworks and how they got invited to the party. Come to think of it, he felt like he had already met the girl somewhere.

  
  


“Sorry to interrupt but… were you my classmate during philosophy a while back?”

  
  


Despite the raging bass coursing through, the girl seemed to have perfectly heard what Mark said and proceeded to blush terribly. Mark wasn’t dumb. Of course the girl was flirting with him earlier. It’s not that he found that entertaining, it’s just that he was taken aback that someone looked at him like he was attractive. He doesn’t wake up everyday with a bouquet of flowers shoved in front of his face; _and he plans to keep it that way, thank God_.

  
  


“Well,” the girl starts, “I’m not going to lie, I’ve had a crush on you for some time now.”

  


Mark lets out a soft laugh. He can’t help but wonder what _if_ Donghyuck was the one confessing to him right now. Donghyuck with his blushy cheeks, his cute little pout, his eyebrows scrunching together as he concentrates on getting the words out of his mouth― leaving Mark utterly breathless.

  


“You’re going to tell me you have a crush on me and I don’t even know your name yet?” Mark decides to just play along nicely.

 

The girl grins at him and she holds out her hand, “I’m Mina.”

  


Mark takes her hand and grips it softly, “Hello Mina. I’m sorry to tell you but I am currently in love with someone I can’t have right now.” Weird. Of all people he tells a semi-stranger about his predicament. He was getting ready for Mina to storm off and forget about everything that had happened but surprisingly she stayed.

  
  


“That sucks,” Mina started, giving Mark a pat on his back. “By the way though, don’t worry about me that was just a small crush on you.”

  


The boy still manages to let a small laugh out and Mina joins in.

 

“Sometimes, things just don’t turn out the way we want to and that’s okay. You’ll be alright in time,” Mina offers those words of consolation.

 

“Hopefully, Mina. Hopefully. But for now, I’m just going to drink and not worry about tomorrow.”

 

“Can I give you a hug?” Mina asks after a moment of hesitation.

 

“Why though?” Mark counters.

 

“Nothing. Seems like you really need it,” the girl says sincerely.

  


Mark smiles and doesn’t contest. He lays himself out for Mina.

 

Mina leans in and Mark feels a soft warm embrace. They both pull away and smile at each other. For a moment, Mark’s eyes brightens and Mina breathes out a sigh of relief.

  


“Thank you, by the way.”

 

“For what?” Mark asks.

 

“For not being a jerk about my feelings. Also, I hope you find your resolve soon.”

 

Mark snorts, “My amor fati you mean?”

 

“Now that’s our A+ student,” Mina jokes.

  
  


Mark smiles back at her, his heart feeling considerably lighter than before but the pain was still there. Mina bades him goodbye and walks towards her friends.

 

* * *

 

 

If he were to be honest with himself, Yukhei would admit that he felt tired tonight. After what he had witnessed days ago, he can’t seem to keep his heart from crumbling. He can’t even have fun in this party! All he feels is the distant voice inside his head telling him to not down a single drink tonight. So far, that voice has been successful. He had only managed to playfully flirt with other people for a while. _They were nice though_ , Yukhei thought.

  
  


He had to admit getting your heart broken in silence was not really as bittersweet as romance novels have put it. And yes, Yukhei likes to read thank you very much. Maybe he was also a romantic at heart, not that he would ever say that out loud. See, months ago, he hired this other senior in their university to tutor him in Calculus. It wasn’t really an important subject in his English Literature program but hey, the gods decided it would be nice to give Yukhei’s brain a beating by making it a requirement to take.

  
  


Oh how he loathed that subject! What better solution than to beg another person to tutor him? One that’s majoring in Mechanical Engineering? As the boy droned on and on about formulas, theories, and principles, Yukhei tried his hardest to digest everything the boy had just said.

  
  


“Did you understand what I said, Yukhei?” The sweet angelic voice would ring in his ears.

  


Yukhei would blush and look down, he feels really embarrassed. The boy would reply in that sweet voice of his that it’s okay. That if Yukhei didn’t understand, he’d be more than willing to explain it all to him again. Safe to say, Yukhei’s grades really did go up, well, at the expense of him falling in love.

  
  


He feels his throat tighten a little bit so he gets out of the room. Suddenly everything feels a little suffocating being flooded with happy recollections. He needs to find Mark.

 

* * *

 

 

Just as Mark was about to down his remaining drink, Lucas sauntered over to his direction.

  
  


“Wanna go home?” Lucas looked tired.

“Hm. Maybe in fifteen minutes? And what’s gotten into you? Usually you liked to get shitfaced drunk.” Mark notes the tiredness in Yukhei’s eyes he’s never seen before.

 

Yukhei lets out a small laugh. “Can’t I feel exhausted?” He leaves no room for Mark to answer and quickly settles in the space occupied by Mina earlier.

  


“I thought you’re going home with someone tonight?” The older boy inquires.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Yukhei,” Mark takes a sip of his drink. He can already feel the slight dizziness he gets when he’s drinking but it’s still manageable.

 

“Don’t play dumb with me Mark Lee. I saw someone hug you earlier,” Yukhei does that eyebrow wiggling thing he always does and Mark can’t help but chuckle.

 

“Well, she did say she had a crush on me. But you know what happened earlier right?”

 

“So you turned her down?” Yukhei takes a long sip of his drink.

 

“What was I supposed to do? Use her for my sadness? You know I’m not like that.”

 

“Ever the gentleman, I see.” That statement earns Yukhei a punch on the arm to which he responds with a laugh.

 

“So,” Mark starts, “wanna go home already?”

 

Yukhei turns his head towards the couples making out within their vicinity before answering, “Please.”

 

The two boys waded through the sea of bodies dancing, kissing each other, slow dancing to some melodramatic song about love and heartbreaks. Mark can’t help but glance upon people enraptured with each other, hands gliding along their lover’s hair as they repeatedly kiss and pull away, not minding the stares. Somewhere in his heart, Mark feels a little envious;  a little mad at himself for being selfish and not selfish at the same time.

  
  


The sight of the door nearing pulled Mark out of his reverie. They jog towards Yukhei’s car parked in front of Yeri’s humongous house, not minding a few people doing questionable things in front of Yerim’s yard. Mark stopped in front of the car door when he noticed that the gravel underneath Yukhei’s foot wasn’t as noisy as before. He glances at Yukhei’s direction; Mark was already on the asphalt road while Yukhei seemed stuck on the gravelly part of the front yard.

  


Yukhei stands there, gaze a thousand miles away. Mark loosens his grip on the door handle and calls out Yukhei’s name. The boy doesn’t respond. The younger boy lightly treads over to Yukhei’s direction.

  
  


“Hey,” Mark rubs small circles on Yukhei’s back when he reaches him. “Let’s go to your place and talk about it if you want to?”

  


Ah, there it was again. Mark’s unremitting desire to help those he holds dearly.

  


“I want to cry so bad, but nothing seems to come out.” Yukhei confesses tiredly.

  
  


Mark finds himself in shock. Yukhei never cried in front of them. He never expressed feelings of sadness for an extended period of time. He was a kind of person that immediately solved things instead of just letting everything consume him. Yukhei was Mark’s polar opposite in terms of mental hygiene.

  
  
  


Yukhei clears his throat before speaking again. “Yeah. Let’s go. Wanna drink some more when we go home?”

 

Mark fights back the urge to laugh. So they were two broken souls just wanting to feel something tonight. “Don’t mind if I do.”

  


They both walk towards their ride, chuckling by each other’s side.

 

“Fate hates us, huh?” Yukhei smiles as he makes the car roar to life.

 

Mark can’t help but agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter seemed like it was full of yukhei but let's see what's going to happen in the next chapters hmmMM
> 
> and who was yukhei in love with??? hmMMMM
> 
> sorry if this was a little short (and underwhelming) compared to the last chapter. I just wanted y'all to have an idea about markhei's friendship :c due to health reasons I am forced to update every ten days instead of every week. I hope you all understand.
> 
> constructive criticisms are open!


	4. Chapter 4

 

The ride towards Yukhei’s apartment was slower compared to earlier. Yukhei tries hard to keep his eyes on the road, face contorted in an attempt to stop his tears from falling— but his effort was in vain. No matter how much he tried, he can still feel the warm liquid trailing on his cheeks. Lucas can’t do anything else but wipe them as Mark stares at him cautiously.

  
  


“You…” Mark starts, attempting to be of help, “you want me to drive instead?”

 

Yukhei can’t help but laugh amidst his tears. “Mark, I know you can’t drive.”

 

The younger boy slinks back into his seat in defeat. Yukhei’s multifaceted personality also entailed that he is stubborn.

  
  


“Thanks for wanting to help though,” Yukhei seemed to have found a way to stop his tears and the car begins to pick up speed. His words putting a stop to Mark’s spiral into overthinking.

  
  


The two boys both settled in their own thoughts, letting the wind blow their hair as they think of ways to conquer the night. 

 

* * *

 

Yukhei jams his key into the his apartment’s lock and pushes the door open with ease. As Yukhei takes off his jacket, places it somewhere, Mark settles into Yukhei’s sofa. The long ride home had paid off. Both of them seemed like they already had come to their senses. 

  
  


While Yukhei was making his way to his mini-fridge, Mark couldn’t stop himself from reminiscing the rejection he had faced earlier. It wasn’t Donghyuck’s fault. God no, it will never be his fault. Mark had no one to blame but himself and the harsh circumstances life had thrown at him. At the end of the day, he angrily laments to a higher being.  _ Why can’t I be happy and normal like everyone else? _ While his thoughts were loud, his tears were silent.

  
  


A loud thud of a fridge door could be heard which snaps the boy out of his thoughts. Mark’s eyes almost bulges out of their sockets when Yukhei returns from scouring his room with a tall bottle of vodka. His mouth opens in shock and was ready to interrogate Yukhei but the other boy just laughs. 

  
  
  


“Oh, please. You really thought I was going to bring out some cheap ass beer?” Yukhei snorts.

 

“That’s not the point! How the hell did you smuggle that big bottle here? In your dorm slash apartment? Which clearly states you can’t bring alcohol inside?” Mark fired his questions at a rapid pace. He was beyond shocked and awed at the same time. 

 

“Ohh I have my ways,” Yukhei smugly walks towards Mark. He then sets down two mugs beside the foot of the sofa. 

 

Mark slides down from being seated to being comfortable on Yukhei’s tiled floor. 

  
  


“You befriended the guard didn’t you?” Mark eyes him suspiciously.

 

“Anyway,” Yukhei clears his throat, “here’s your mug.” He hands Mark the ceramic utensil with flowers and bees as a painfully obvious statement that the discussion is over. The younger boy just laughs.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Mark didn’t know how much they had already consumed. All he remembers so far is how Yukhei went from being a clown and making him laugh about the dirt he has on people who attended the party to being a complete mess. Needless to say, Mark was already past teetering on the edge of sobriety. His words slurred despite the attempt to properly deliver them to a crying Yukhei.

  
  


“Wait, what did you see after your tutoring session?” Mark speaks.

 

Yukhei sniffles and tries his best to form words. “I saw him kissing another guy, Mark. I know it’s really shallow but this is the first time I have ever felt something towards someone after being cheated on.”

 

“Did he know you liked him?” Mark was shocked despite his drunken state. Yukhei didn’t even tell anyone that he was falling.

 

“No. Why would I even tell him? He was… too good for me. I’m just me, goofy Yukhei who can make others laugh. I know I don’t tell you guys much about how I feel but… he really made me feel special you know?” The last part was but a mere whisper.

 

“Yukhei,” Mark almost slurs, “you  _ are  _ special to us.” Carefully, he accentuated his words.

 

“I know, I know,” Yukhei tries to stop his tears from falling by pressing his palms to his eyes. “It’s just that… I feel really bad about it. It really made me spiral into overthinking things again.”

 

“Do you think it’s his fault?” Mark carefully picks his words, careful to not incite a full meltdown from Yukhei.

 

“That’s it,” Yukhei starts. “It’s not his fault but why am I feeling so bad about it?” His tears start flowing again. “I just hate how my mind can’t seem to let go of things that I’m not supposed think about anymore.”

  
  


Mark scoots closer to Yukhei and pats his back despite the heaviness in his arms. Yukhei was full on crying in front of him now and he couldn’t stop his throat from constricting and how he is reminded of his predicament. Mark can’t help the thoughts slowly creeping in on him. He doesn’t know what to choose: being a son weighed as heavy as just being a human terribly in love. Time was running out and he didn’t know what to save. Instead, he downs the remaining alcohol in his mug as he struggles to keep his tears from escaping.

  
  


“Mark,” Yukhei’s words were near slurring. “Mmm why you cryin’ Mark?” Worry spreads across his teary, drunken face. 

  
  


That should make Mark’s eyes stop with the waterworks but instead, he bursts into tears. He buries his face on the crook of Yukhei’s shoulder. Everything feels so heavy and suffocating and he is trying his best, he really is. But everything feels so heavy and he just wants to be held and be told everything is going to be alright. Yukhei was warm… so warm and inviting and full of comfort.

  
  


In that moment, the two boys freely burst tears. Yukhei was frustrated at his inability to let things go and Mark was tormented by the life he was living. Mark just wanted to ease the suffocation, the heavy burden of being forced to choose— all while being alone. His tears were already staining his Yukhei’s clothes. He looks up and finds Yukhei’s eyes filled with tears staring back at him.  _ How cruel _ , Yukhei thinks. 

  
  


Yukhei didn’t know if it’s the grief he felt over himself making him get carried away, but that moment felt right. Mark didn’t know if it’s the overwhelming frustration of wanting to feel, but in that moment Yukhei’s flushed face seemed to inch near him. Mark closes his eyes and braces for something, anything. Then, he feels Yukhei’s plush lips cradling his own. He had no clue whether this was right, whether they were overstepping boundaries, or maybe they just desperate beings trying to claw their way out of sadness. Yukhei’s eyes flutter shut and he grips Mark’s body closer to his own.

  
  


No, it wasn’t happiness. But it felt warm and comforting and it feels so, so, so sad to be a lonely soul despite being surrounded by people. Yukhei chokes back a sob, feelings too overwhelming. Mark accepts his sadness as his own tears stain his cheeks. He was mad. He was mad because in this situation, he was still thinking if this is how it feels to be in Donghyuck’s embrace while Yukhei deals with his own demons. He didn’t know if it’s the physical and emotional exhaustion or they just had too much to drink, but everything faded to black and he was drifting—drifting to a place where everything was serene and alright.

  
  


* * *

 

Warm sunlight seeps through the blinds from Yukhei’s nearest window. His gaze falls on the boy’s head leaning into his shoulder while asleep. He carefully peels himself off from Mark and attempts to jog life back into his dead arm by tapping it repeatedly. He grabs the jacket he left on the sofa’s arm last night and drapes it over Mark’s sleeping form.

  
  


_ You messed u— _ Yukhei shakes his head rapidly to dispel the thought. He’s positive he already messed up and needs to have a sitting with Mark as they sort their predicament. 

  
  


Ignoring the raging hangover he had, Yukhei immediately went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. This was going to be a rough day. He sets forth and turns on the stove immediately, waiting for it to heat up as he attempts to cook eggs and nuggets, finishing his glass of water as the food cooks through.

  
  


“Oh my god,” a groggy voice fills the ten o’ clock air. 

 

“Good morning to you too, dumbass. Apparently we have a lot to talk about,” Yukhei places the food and grabs the remaining bread he had on his small dining table. 

  
  


Mark settles on the chair opposite to where Yukhei was cooking. The younger boy attempts to rub the sleep out of his eyes rather aggressively and Yukhei couldn’t help but snort. Mark looked so small and distraught. But then again, this was Mark’s first hangover in a long time.

  
  


Yukhei pours him a tall glass of water and sets it in front of the groggy boy. “Here, make sure to hydrate yourself. We drank a lot last night,” He said in a matter of factly.

 

“Oh… god.... No shit.”

 

Yukhei can’t help but smile as he recounts their idiocy last night. He sets the food between them and starts with an audible gulp.

 

“So…”

“I’m sorry.”

 

Both of them were startled, speaking at the same time, and so they both gestured for the other to go first.

 

“Fine, I’ll go first.” Mark braces himself this was either going to destroy or make their friendship.

 

“I’m sorry. We were both drunk and needed comfort… we were so irresponsible last night but I really feel the need to say I am very sorry…” Mark trails off, eyes afraid to look at Yukhei.

 

“Yeah… that was really shitty of us to do. We were both vulnerable. I’m sorry too.” Yukhei forced the words out, eyes downcast, unable to stop the embarrassment from flooding in.

 

“So… we’re bros again?” Mark says, itching to break the uncomfortable silence.

 

“God, Mark… you’re such… a het…” Yukhei makes exaggerated disgusted facial expressions.

 

“Hey!” Mark says pointedly, tinge of joy evident. “I am not a het. I feel like... I’m bisexual, you know?”

“You’re the same as me then!” Yukhei says excitedly as he devours his food.

  
  


Mark as just a little taken aback. Sometimes he forgets that what he is isn’t some kind of… taboo only meant to be whispered in the night. His parents beg to differ.

  
  


The two boys high-fived and made finger guns while laughing. As their noise died down, Mark felt a need to open something to his friend.

  
  
  


“Yukhei…” he trails off. “You know you never really told us about liking someone?” he asks.

 

“Oh… that,” Yukhei clears his voice.

  
  


Mark works quick to assure Yukhei that he didn’t need to feel obligated to share if he didn’t feel like it. But Yukhei beat him to it by saying, “It was Jungwoo.”

 

The boy couldn’t believe what he just heard. “Jungwoo? The guy from engineering?”

“Yeah. He was my tutor for quite some time. I don’t know what came over me last night. I was so consumed by grief. So I… bled on people who have nothing to do with it.”

 

“He reminded you of your ex?”  Mark treads carefully, “Or did the situation made your esteem issues resurface?”

 

“Yeah… I mean, he isn’t a jerk at all!,” Yukhei’s eyebrows shot up in defense for the said boy. “He was very caring and sweet. Maybe it was foolish of me to throw that tantrum last night. I had so much going on in my brain and everything became too much.”

 

“Oh, Yukhei.” Mark shoots him a look of empathy. “Relationships don’t define a person okay? Neither does other’s perception of you. You are loved, okay? We treasure you very much.”

  
  


Yukhei chuckles and Mark swears he was just trying to hold everything back. Of course Mark knew that Yukhei had a harsh perception of himself. He was too hard on himself and they needed to change that.

  
  


“Enough about me. What about you?” 

 

Mark gulps before speaking. “We don’t really need to talk about this.” 

 

Yukhei exhales deeply. “Stop trying to divert things, Mark. You know I’m here to help you. While I respect your space, you really need to stop being so...” the boy tries to grasp a fitting word. “...so hard on yourself.”

 

That  struck a chord in Mark. Maybe... Yukhei was right? Was he too critical on himself?

 

“Here’s what happened…” Mark starts with a sigh of defeat. 

 

“If you’re not ready I understand okay?” Yukhei said, not wanting Mark to feel that he is obligated to share something painful.

“No. It’s okay,” the younger boy said. 

* * *

 

The quiet chatter from Mark and Yukhei lightly bounced off from the latter’s living space. In a short span of time, everything became clearer— Yukhei’s issues, regrets, Mark’s situation with his parents, his sexuality,  _ his  _ Donghyuck. From their talk, Mark also learned that Jungwoo was now dating someone older named Jaehyun from another university. But it’s okay. According to Yukhei, like Mark, it was a case of being unsure, afraid and this was the consequence. He had nothing to do but let it be. Mark agrees.

  
  


After their talk, Yukhei did the dishes as Mark did his best to clean the drunken mess they made at the foot of the couch, noting how the smell of alcohol makes his stomach lurch. Well, he’s not going near any alcoholic drink for a while. An hour later, the are situated in Yukhei’s car going at a reasonable speed. Mark was on his way home, nothing to think about but Yukhei’s words which continuously rang in his ears ever since their talk earlier: Yukhei can’t bear to see Mark let Donghyuck slip away. So, if Mark doesn’t move, Yukhei will.

**Author's Note:**

> dear reader, send kudos or write comments. I'd like to know what you think uwu
> 
>  
> 
> [twt!](https://twitter.com/markderys)


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